What do you want to be when you grow up? The answer was so simple when I was four years old - I would become a train man, an airplane man, or a nurse in a hospital. I have since decided that I should probably give up on the original plan of becoming a "man". And while I like trains, airplanes and helping people, it turns out that there are many other possible careers that I could also enjoy.
Right now, I'm in the very broad categories of "student" and "teacher" (which interestingly enough, does tend to involve train or airplane relative motion diagrams and a good deal of helping people). The past few weeks, I discovered some things I wouldn't have guessed about myself and my feelings towards teaching and learning; this has led me to feel quite certain that teaching (along with the related learning that teachers do) is a career that I can love. So I thought I'd share.
Life outside of teaching has been downright difficult lately. As I've been working through the ending of a relationship which mattered a lot to me, I've struggled to say goodbye to the hopes and dreams I had with someone whose dreams have changed. It has been challenging for me to redefine my value - not in a man's definition of my worth, but in God's, to strive to keep loving with my whole heart rather than building walls around it, to learn from the things I did wrong which contributed to this ending, but still forgive myself for the ways in which I wasn't the girlfriend I should have been, and to walk everyday with God. These things are easy to write down, but I'm finding they are much much more challenging to live. I've never experienced a broken relationship before, and God has a lot to teach me about love, grace and life. As I've been working through these things, I've felt a lot more sadness than I'm used to. So after our last weekend together, I was very worried that I wouldn't be able to teach well - that on top of everything, I would let my students down.
But an amazing thing happened last Monday. I walked into class with my bowl of gummies for our gummy bear circuit, my students said hi, and I just felt so much joy (even more joy than I would feel if I had a bowl of gummies on a regular good day!) As the class went on, and I bopped around from group to group, I realized more and more just how much I love teaching. It actually almost made me cry, and I'm not a very leaky person. It just hit me how blessed I am to be part of my students lives right now, as they're discovering who they are in their world - a blessing which is too easy for me to take for granted. It continues to surprise the socks off me: when I'm with my students, it's as if all of my concerns and sadness slip away. Of course, the things I need to work through are still there - that can't be avoided. But it has been a wonderful surprise to learn that teaching (especially with my students who are honestly such a dream class) really is a safe haven for me.
My science side can't help but look at this as a bit of a self-experiment. Somehow teaching continues to bring me joy even when my other work feels heavy and requires extra effort to complete. I think this suggests at least one good answer to the question of what I should be when I grow up. My dad, true to his funny engineer self, suggested (among other very loving encouragements) that I "re-calibrate" now that I'm on my own. I won't dive too much into my relationship-recalibration thoughts on this blog, but so far my career-recalibration thoughts have been reaffirming the path I'm on. I truly do love teaching. I love seeing those beautiful aha moments when the student starts to piece everything together. I love being part of positive change, and teaching is all about growth and change - change in my students and change in myself. It's terribly nerdy, but as my poor friends who put up with endless demo's know, there is so much physics-happiness to be shared, and I just love sharing it. And now I've learned that teaching brings me joy even when life is not easy. I really do have one of the best jobs a person could ever ask for.
The question of what I want to be when I grow up isn't fully answered yet, however. The next aspect of this question is of course, "What kind of teacher do I plan to be?" I have a feeling, however, that this second question will require more words than the first, so I'll save it for another day.
Hugs, Anneke. Very nicely written (as always). Life can be hard sometimes, but you are most certainly on the right path. Keeping you in my thoughts -- stay strong -- you'll be fine. And, if you don't know what to do with those extra gummy bears, I'm over in Goodwin Hall.
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